Getting Shnockered
by KaydenceRei
Summary: Juliet wants to be a tree-hugger, Jin thinks he's a superhero, Miles is turned on, and Sawyer is the only one sober? Hilarity ensues at a Dharma Party of epic proportions.


**You know how people are naturally drawn to disasters, such as car crashes? That's like me and my writing. Try as I might, sometimes the utter despair gets to be too much and BAMMO, you guys get something ridonkulous to read. Yes, I said ridonkulous. Deal with it.**

**Getting Shnockered**:

They were sucked into yet another Dharma party. The 'party of a lifetime' as the residents were referring to it. In reality, Juliet knew that just meant everyone would get more shit-faced than usual and make the night 'epic' with their stupidity. Try as she might, she couldn't stop smiling at that. These people were inspiring with their naivety, she just wished that she could be more like them.

Hell, even Sawyer, Jin and Miles managed to get into the partying more and more. Last time Jin was so drunk, he passed out on the pool table while Miles sang songs from the 80's. She, on the other hand, fought with a pickle jar for the better part of the night before Sawyer finally popped it open within a second. So she made a decision. She was going to get completely and utterly drunk. Drunk, pissed, shit-faced, blitzed, shnockered, or whatever somebody else could think to call it.

And she was going to be stupid. Because she deserved it.

By the time Sawyer weaseled his way from the security office, leaving Phil all by his lonesome to man the monitors, and made it to the party, he realized he was way behind in the 'shnockered' list. He stepped up beside Miles, and they both stared at Juliet. "Holy shit."

"Dude, you've missed so much," Miles informed him. "This is hilarious."

"Is she drunk?"

"You betcha!" Miles answered as he chugged a beer. "And it's great. Shit, I think I'm in love with her when she's drunk. Sober? She's a bitch most times. But drunk?"

Sawyer rolled his eyes and accepted a beer that was handed his way from a fellow Dharma resident. "She never gets drunk."

"I know, we really gotta get her drunk more often," came Miles' reply. "Even Amy is singing along."

Sawyer groaned. "This is as bad as you singing last time... except she's not as tone deaf."

"Hey! I resent that!"

"I come home! In the morning light! My momma says 'when you gonna live your life right?'. Oh mama dear, we're not the fortunate ones! And girls, they wanna have fu-un!"

It wouldn't have been nearly as amusing if Amy and Juliet weren't jumping all around, completely blitzed out of their minds from too much alcohol.

"I'm turned on."

Sawyer choked on his sip of beer and whacked Miles on the back of the head.

"That's all they really want! Some fun! When the working day is done, oh girls, just wanna have fun!"

Sawyer had to agree with Miles. He wasn't drunk yet and even he liked the show.

"My whole outlook on her just changed," Miles decided. "I might have a stiffy..."

"Oh fer' cryin' out loud," Sawyer muttered, slapping his own forehead at the thought.

Just that moment Jin and Jerry went running passed the two wearing only speedos and pink streamers twirled around them and big 'J's painted on their chests.

"Look!" Jin yelled, jumping in front of them. "I am superhero now!" he explained to them, slapping his chest.

Miles was too befuddled by it to respond.

"Oh yea'?" Sawyer said. "What's yer superhero name?"

Jin and Jerry looked at each other. They didn't have one.

"We'll let you know," Jin stated.

Jerry made a whoosh sound, and the two jetted off.

"I've lost focus... that was a horrendous sight," Miles stated.

"Stiffy deflated?"

"For a year."

"Could have been worse."

"How?" Miles questioned. "How could that have possibly been worse?"

"Coulda' been Horace who 'whooshed' passed us."

Miles was dumbstruck. After a minute passed, he finally managed to respond. "Make that five years. Never mention it again."

"Duly noted."

One hour and too many beers passed. Finally, Sawyer found Juliet and he couldn't be sure, but she seemed to be even drunker than before. "Takin' notes on Miles about songs from the 80's?" he questioned.

"You bet," Juliet replied with a grin. "Can you open the pickle jar?" she asked, handing him the aforementioned jar. "I'm not doing this again. And this time, I'm seeing in triplicates."

"That a real word?" he asked, popping open the jar.

"Ask me again tomorrow."

"Will do."

They were silent for a moment as she ate a pickle.

"I always wanted to be a hippie," she piped out suddenly.

Sawyer laughed. "That so?"

She shrugged. "Probably not. But I can embrace the hippie in me now."

He grinned. "Free love?"

"Why the hell not? I'll even hug a tree later."

He hunched over and belted out another laugh. They'd been here seven months now. They weren't exactly friends yet. Maybe close, not really. He figured they might as well start now. "Let me know how that goes for you."

"I could be a nudist too."

"What?"

"I could do it," she insisted.

"I'd wait til yer' sober before you embrace that one."

She thought about that. "I probably wouldn't do it sober though."

"Exactly."

"Being a nudist tree-hugger would probably be itchy," she decided.

"How so?" he questioned. And he couldn't believe they were having this conversation so seriously. It was proof of how much they'd had to drink.

"Tree-bark. I'm pretty sure it would be itchy. And sitcky... sap."

"You could get sticky from other things when your naked," he retorted.

She shrugged. "True. And itchy, depending on the disease you catch."

He couldn't take it anymore. That was the end of the line for him. He lips curled upward and started twitching, then suddenly, he couldn't stop laughing.

Juliet smiled and shook her head, then she laughed at the idiocy of it as well.

When their laughter died down they glanced directly at each other.

Sawyer almost wished he hadn't told her to wait to decide on the nudist plan. Then he realized their faces had gravitated to within an inch of each other.

"Jim!"

The two quickly stepped apart and looked at Jin and Jerry before them, still dressed in speedos and pink streamers.

"I have a superhero name!" Jin alerted him.

"Oh yea'?" he asked. "Hit me with it."

"I am The Iron Cawk!" Jin told him. "Jerry is my sidekick, The French Pickler!"

Juliet busted out laughing almost instantly.

Jerry nudged Jin. "It was Iron HAWK... and French Tickler!" he coughed out.

"Oh. Yes... Iron Hawk!" Jin stated enthusiaticly.

Sawyer's grin went from one ear to the other. "Okay, got somethin' for me, Miles and Juliet?"

Juliet had to hear this.

"Hmm..." Jin muttered, thinking about that. "Yes. Okay."

"Shoot," Sawyer stated. He was afraid he'd regret this.

"Miles, the The Fantastical Craptacular Man!" Jin called out.

Juliet choked on a pickle.

Sawyer grinned.

"What did you just call me?" Miles growled out, walking up.

"It's yer' superhero name."

"Oh. 'kay then," Miles replied.

Jin nodded.

Juliet giggled.

Sawyer had never heard her giggle before.

"Sawyer is... Doctor Ayehole!"

Juliet's eyes widened and she might have snorted to cover up the next laugh.

Sawyer wasn't sure if he should be offended. But he laughed nonetheless.

Jin nodded at the approval. "And Juliet can be...Madam Nutbuster!"

Juliet, Sawyer and Miles were all laughing now.

Jin 'whooshed' away proudly.

"The Iron Cawk..." Juliet muttered out, causing them all to laugh again.

~*~END~*~

**Like I said. Ridonkulous.**


End file.
